“If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?” JAROD KINTZ
By Alex P. Vidal
The very first moment that Jesus bled, according to a historian, was when Jesus was taken to the temple to be circumcised. The event was significant for those who consider that Jesus’ blood gave man redemption, according Jamie Frater, who listed the Catholic Feast of the Circumcision, Jesus’ circumcision, as No. 5 in the “10 Most Famous Penises” along with David (No. 1) and Rasputin (No. 4).
“The Catholic Feast of the Circumcision is considered so important that on January 1 every year, all Catholics in the world are obliged to attend Mass under pain of mortal sin,” writes Frater, who points out that Jesus’ actual account of the circumcision can be read in Luke 2:21.
David’s penis is reportedly “the most looked at penis in the world,” found in Michelangelo’s masterpiece of Renaissance sculpture, “David.”
Although David was a Jew, he does not appear circumcised in the statue that stands 17 feet tall. “This is in keeping with the rules of style governing that period of art,” explains Frater. “During the Victorian era when the Victorians destroyed the genitalia of many statues in a fit of repressed sexual energy, David survived unscathed.”
For the benefit of royal visits by Queen Victoria, however, a detachable ivy leaf was fashioned to gird the loins, it was learned.
Rasputin is famed as the bizarre mystic who cast spell over the ladies of the court in Imperial Russia. He was murdered in 1916 by a group of noblemen who thought he was convincing their wives to sleep with him and influencing the affairs of the state. After many attempts to kill him, they finally succeeded and also mutilated his sexual organs, severing his penis. Frater recalls that the penis ended up in a museum “for all to see.”
At No. 2 is John Curtis Holmes, one of the most popular male adult film stars in the 70s. Frater says Holmes’ popularity was mostly due to his enormous penis, which was 13-and-a-half inches long. His co-stars likened having sex with him to “doing it with a big, soft kind of loofah.”
“His notable size was the cause of much mirth,” write Frater. “A popular joke in the industry said that Holmes was incapable of achieving an erection because the blood flow from his head to his penis would cause him to pass out.”
John Wayne Bobbitt is at No. 3. His name will forever be remembered in history after his wife cut off his penis on the night of June 23, 1993. Bobbitt fortunately managed to find his penis (which his wife tossed into a field) and it was reattached. “Bizarrely,” writes Frater, “he went on to star in a number of very tacky porn movies.”
“What is this? A woman on a list of penises?” asks Frater. He is referring to Lili Elbe, No. 6 on the list, and happens to be the first documented case of transexual. Born in Denmark, Einar Wegner was a famous artist in Paris in the roaring 20s. After Wegner’s wife asked him to pose as a woman for a portrait she was painting, he realized that he wanted to be a woman. He was subjected to a series of experimental operations that involved removing his penis and having ovaries and a uterus implanted (the surgeries were unsuccessful). Despite the conservatism of the times, Einar became Lili, and the government annulled his marriage and granted him a new birth certificate listing him as male.
At No. 7 is Bart Simpson. Frater says in The Simpsons Movie, viewers of all ages (due to its PG-13 rating) were surprised to see a full-frontal image of a naked, skateboarding Bart. The scene involves Bart eagerly accepting Homer’s dare to skateboard at high speed to Krusty Burger, stark naked. After a series of fortuitous cover-ups, there is a fleeting glimpse of the 10-year-old’s modest, but distinctly yellow, penis. “Fortunately,” writes Frater, “audiences around the world took it for what it was: a humorous drawing.”
Numbers 8, 9, and 10 are Dirk Diggler, Banned MM Penis, Juan Baptista Dos Santos, respectively. Boogie Nights is a 1997 film that follows the life of nightclub dishwasher Dirk Diggler. Due to his enormous penis, he becomes a famous porn star and engages in drug use. “While this is essentially a film about Dirk’s penis,” writes Frater, “it does everything possible to conceal it from the viewers until a brief glimpse in the last scene.”
Banned MM Penis is a German children’s book by Rotraut Susanne Berner. A request was made for an American publishing house to print English translations of the book for distribution in the US. “It was really a sensation at first,” Frater quotes Berner as saying. “As it turned out, there were a couple of changes that had to be made before the books could be unleashed on the American public. First off, smokers had to be removed from the illustrations. But that wasn’t all. One image shows a scene from an art gallery–and for realism’s sake, there is a cartoonish nude hanging on the wall along with a tiny, seven-millimeter-tall statue of a naked man on a pedestal.”
The publisher said, “American kiddies, obviously, could never be expected to handle such a depiction of the human body.” Frater says the series is popular all around the world, and the United States is the only country to kick up a stink and the books are still unpublished here because of a tiny penis on a cartoon of a statue.”
Born in Faro, Portugal around 1843, Dos Santos was in all ways normal except for his third leg and second penis. Both of his penises were fully functional, and he claimed that he could use both during intercourse–after using one, he would start on the other. “He apparently had an extremely high sexual appetite,” concludes Frater. “Juan was famous for having a relationship with a French courtesan who had three legs and two vaginas.”